Thursday, September 1, 2011
colorful colorado
so here it is. colorful colorado. i am sitting at a new favorite
coffee shop, surrounded by long haired, natural hue wearing 20-30
somethings, sipping my 3rd street chai latte. life is good, eh?
indeed, until i begin to let my mind wander. and wander it does. i've never had any trouble with daydreaming, in fact, i may just be a champ at it. however, when you find yourself living in a brand new place and for the first time ever, living alone, mind wandering isn't always your greatest ally.
i've found in the alone moments, the quiet times, that i am reflecting over my years spent in tennessee and especially those in college. many, many regrets and yet i have gained wisdom far beyond my 18 years when i stepped across the threshold into adulthood.
i believe in forgiveness so wholeheartedly now. i have been met with forgiveness and grace from many that i have hurt in my search for fun and life and love. i see how grace changes things, allows you to be yourself and yet in subtle ways urges you to be more than you are....more than you think you are.
and yet i've longed for the ability to forgive myself. they say when you have guilt, it's almost as if you're hiding something and people can sense that from miles away. it seems as though this lack of grace towards myself has prevented me from truly embracing myself and everything i am. i want nothing more than to be a transparent person-no pretense, just me. and yet things i've done + a healthy dose of my own personal perfectionism does not = a healthily open person.
so these next 2 years are going to be times of reflection. times of healing-allowing myself to feel sorrow and remorse. to actually cry. and then to (slowly, if need be) begin bringing little sips of grace to the hurt. maybe by the end of this time here in colorado, i will be drinking in big gulps of sweet, amazing grace. in turn, then maybe i will be able to let it cascade all over everyone i meet.
indeed, until i begin to let my mind wander. and wander it does. i've never had any trouble with daydreaming, in fact, i may just be a champ at it. however, when you find yourself living in a brand new place and for the first time ever, living alone, mind wandering isn't always your greatest ally.
i've found in the alone moments, the quiet times, that i am reflecting over my years spent in tennessee and especially those in college. many, many regrets and yet i have gained wisdom far beyond my 18 years when i stepped across the threshold into adulthood.
i believe in forgiveness so wholeheartedly now. i have been met with forgiveness and grace from many that i have hurt in my search for fun and life and love. i see how grace changes things, allows you to be yourself and yet in subtle ways urges you to be more than you are....more than you think you are.
and yet i've longed for the ability to forgive myself. they say when you have guilt, it's almost as if you're hiding something and people can sense that from miles away. it seems as though this lack of grace towards myself has prevented me from truly embracing myself and everything i am. i want nothing more than to be a transparent person-no pretense, just me. and yet things i've done + a healthy dose of my own personal perfectionism does not = a healthily open person.
so these next 2 years are going to be times of reflection. times of healing-allowing myself to feel sorrow and remorse. to actually cry. and then to (slowly, if need be) begin bringing little sips of grace to the hurt. maybe by the end of this time here in colorado, i will be drinking in big gulps of sweet, amazing grace. in turn, then maybe i will be able to let it cascade all over everyone i meet.
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