and i am here.
i am showing up. i am present. i am breath and i am flesh.
i am laughter and light.
i am fear and nerves.
i am lost and then, thankfully, again i am found.
there are those ebbs and flows in life that cause us to pause for a moment and ask ourselves, "Who are we?" and "Where are we going?"
there are times when many, many good gifts have been given and yet, i find i lose myself in them. the trick, here, is of course not to be lost, but at the very least, to catch myself when i find the outlines of my person fading.
i fear this maybe more than i should; this loss of self, this waking up one day and finding i either do not know or do not like who i've become. i am so very fortunate to walk this journey with more wonderful friends and family and colleagues than i can truly invest in. every time i find myself in need, God orchestrates another loving soul to come alongside me. it's the very embodiment of his great goodness.
i find i should walk through life with more thankfulness. the fact that God and these beautiful people shower me with loving kindness is truly enough ammunition to fuel praises every single day of my life. and yet instead, sometimes i am stunted by fear. i don't want to be afraid of losing these people-but sometimes i am. sometimes i fear i cannot show this great agape love back to them. sometimes i fear when they learn more about me, they will be turned away. sometimes i fear i am too weighty-i am too much for others to hold, so they will eventually pick up and go where the lighter people are. because, the truth is, we're all weighty and it's hard to bear each others' burdens.
and yet...i know, I KNOW, that God is so much bigger than all the weight i and others can lay on him. he willingly takes it all-everything we place on him. and yet he's still God. it doesn't change him. it doesn't make him see us differently. he knows we need help carrying ourselves around, and so he offers to be that aid.
and so i find when i get lost in the fear of losing, the fear of vulnerability, that i have not been placing my weight on my God. because when i lay my burdens on him, he not only lifts the load from me, but he redefines me, he clarifies my visions, my passions, and my paths. he takes my eyes off of myself and my shortcomings, my fears and my hang-ups. he opens my eyes to his wonders, the joys of life, to true thankfulness, and to his presence, which i can then see all over the place. and, miraculously, he gives me new strength and insight into those around me...those beautiful, lovely people around me who need their burdens shared, who need their weights placed on someone. and because my own personal weight has been taken by a mighty King, i am able to shoulder the loads of those i love-willingly, with thankfulness and joy.
