Wednesday, May 21, 2014

wedding

she slowly opened her eyes, as if the sunlight streaming into her room had lifted her lids in increments...one millimeter, two millimeters...open.  recognition dawned on her, as her lovely night dreams faded into the forgotten.  "It is today," she thought.  "I must soak in every moment".  For this was the day she'd dreamed about ever since her eyes took in that Cinderella story...the dress, the party, the prince-oh, the prince!  charming and confident, yet unwilling to live the typical life of a royal.  someone who could notice the deepness of beauty, ponder the wonders of the world, be intrigued by a girl the world had forgotten.  this was a fairytale in it's truest form, but ever since she new of its existence, she continued to believe, even though at times with a small faith, that it could happen for her.

she slipped her feet quietly out of bed, gazing out at the sunny day that was upon her.  she stretched and breathed a deep, glorious breath.  she exhaled, simultaneously letting the air go and thanking her Father for this-this moment, this man, their friends and family, this day.

she wanted to move slowly through the hours.  her friends had told her their days were just a blur; activities and people, and stress.  she opted out of that.  she understood, at least somewhat, of the depth of commitment, the strength of mind and heart, and the longevity of love that she was about to pledge to her man-her prince.  and promises like these should not be taken lightly.  not when so many fail around them, not when they both waited so long to find each other.  not when so much was at stake.

she knew the first person she wanted to see.  yes, some may say it's bad luck, but she didn't believe in all that.  she tiptoed out of her room, walking quietly through the cabin of still-sleeping guests.  they had arranged the time and place.  and there he was, already back from his run.

they hugged for a long time, each taking in the weight of the day, feeling the holiness that sometimes humans are privy to on earth.  as if mesmerized by a beautiful dance or a perfect harmony, they felt heaven open up, allowing them to drink great draughts of love, of joy, of peace.

they settled in on the deck, blankets, coffee, and bible in hand.  they read and prayed together.  They laughed about what the day would bring, already excited about the mixture of friends and family, from near and from far.  Then they kissed goodbye, or was it more, “see ya later”; recognizing the next time they would kiss would be as man & wife.

She headed back inside, glowing from the joy she felt, grateful for all her Father had done to bring them here.  Friends and family were slowing waking up, rubbing the sleep from their eyes and shuffling into the living room.  she gathered blankets and mats for all the women and they headed outside.  her friend took the reins and led them in a yoga flow, while the glory of the mountains and the fresh wooded air vied for their attention, the sun slowly warming them up as their muscles flexed and stretched.
These were her women-the ones she’d been blessed to know over many years, trials, and accomplishments.  Later they made breakfast together, drinking mimosas laughing, crying, and praying.  For the greatness of the day was not lost on any of them-no most had been here before too, and were gazing from the other side.  They huddled around her for prayers, they sang worship songs, and ridiculous songs, they ate delicious brunches and she reveled in the fact that all her favorites were in one place.

Her mom helped her slip on the dress.  It was perfect, and would wow her prince for sure.  She breathed a slow breath, knowing her dad was about to come in to escort her.  The symbolism had so touched her at other weddings, and she knew the weight of what this would mean to her.  She blinked back tears and turned.  Her dad was there with the biggest smile she’d seen.  He too, had waited for this moment.  Twenty-eight years of prayers had brought them to this day.

She hugged & prayed with her parents, readied herself, slipped her arm in her dad’s elbow and they were off.  “Slowly by slowly” she thought.  “I want to remember every step.”

Her dad walked her outside, down the steps, and they turned toward the pathway.  “Slowly by slowly,” she told him.  They walked, arm in arm, and then, finally, she saw him.  Her prince, watching, waiting, ready.  His grin full of joy, bid her come.  she reached his side, her father hugged her, hugged him, and released her unto his arms.  Twenty eight years of prayers for the one her father could trust to take care of his Sweets.

She took her prince’s arm, and they slid off their shoes.  This was now holy ground.  They turned down the path once more, lined with groups of their friends and family.  This was no ordinary couple, and they planned no ordinary day.  They took their time, pausing at each group.  Their friends and family offered words of wisdom for the pair, some even praying over them.  “Slowly by slowly” they thought.  They took in every word, every prayer, passing from one group to the other as they made their way down the path. 

When they reached the end, his friends were there waiting to perform the vows.  They had written notes to each other, pledges of friendship and forgiveness, of teamwork and love.  They exchanged rings and grasped hands.  He looked into her eyes-the first of forevers.  And then, the kiss!  Oh, how the cheers rang out on that pathway!  For love has a way of bringing people together, reigniting hope, and bringing light to life.

Then all made their way back toward the cabin, she and her, prince hand-in-hand, laughing and talking with those they loved.  “Slowly by slowly” she thought.  “I want to remember everything.”

The cabin was a bustle of friends and family grabbing their special dishes they’d made for the day.  The time for feasting had come!  Wine was poured, food was served, and everyone settled in, close to each other, to eat and fellowship.  She gazed at all the faces, and breathed out.  “Thank you, thank you!” she whispered the prayer.  “I could not be more blessed.”

The toasts rang out-she and her prince giving cheers and accolades to all who had meant so much in their lives.  The feast turned to dancing, an all out party on the lawn, in the cabin.  White lights hung over the revelers, shining their twinkling beams of hope.  The stars burst forth from their hiding spots in the sky and as her prince twirled her round and round, she gazed up.  “Thank you, thank you!” she breathed. 

 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Good Morning

Good morning, you!

Good morning to the tired, lanky self that SLOWLY rose out of bed.

Good morning to the woman who loves her NPR first thing.  Spending time with Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne?  Yes, please.

Good morning to the woman that snagged her Starbucks latte and got excited about the stars that were still outside and who ate an apple and almond butter to start her day.

Good morning to the woman, who at times, feels so afraid for all that lies in front of her.

Good morning to the woman who is just a little too worn out on work right now.

Good morning to the woman who is fighting to relinquish old stories and lies about herself:
            Like how she has nothing to offer
            How she's afraid she'll mess up or won't remember what she needs to when she needs to
            How she won't offer help or stand up to someone because she doesn't want to hurt feelings
                 or make the situation worse
                 Or-what if she doesn't have a comeback to fight for what she believes is right?

Good morning to the woman who simultaneously loves and hates being a leader.

Good morning to the woman who DOES want some of the old story back...
            The joy
            Lighthearted, easy coming laughter
            Investing in friends-heck, having friends

Good morning to the woman who realized the other day she didn't have a girlfriend in town to call when she felt the world was crashing down on her.

Good morning to the woman who realizes she is a bit dramatic about this at times!

"Good morning!" He says.  "Did you see the stars I laid out for you?  I spent all night making sure they looked perfect when you walked outside this morning."

"Good morning!" He says.  "Did you see the frost on your car?  I left it there so you could slow down a little bit, not rush off to do work, but to take time to enjoy yourself, enjoy the crisp autumn air."

"Good morning!" He says.  "Did you notice the ache in your heart this week?  The ache I allowed to grow so you could notice life was not all about you.  To remember as you give away your life for me and the people I love, you will find you've been refilled, even to overflowing!  This is something that brings me great joy to do!"

"Good morning!" He says.  "Did you remember this morning how I placed you where you are?  I am growing you.  I do not see your old stories.  In fact, I never did.  I cried when my beautiful creation thought those things were true of her.  No.  They are not true, my darling.  You-you I made to change the world."

"Good morning!" He says.  "Let's go live this day.  Together."

Monday, July 8, 2013

Abba...(and dropping pride in the trash)

I realized this weekend what was missing
    I mean, I really can't believe I forgot this
How could I?  It doesn't seem possible, given my history.

And yet, somehow, I went off and left the major way I relate to God...
    As my Daddy.

I have a ridiculously soft spot in my heart when I hear about dads, and especially when talking about God as Dad or mentioning just about anything pertaining to my own Dad.  This is because, with God's help as he will tell you, my human Dad was probably the best Dad there ever was.  No seriously.  He was.  He beats them all.

My Dad was at every dance recital, still excitedly relaying stories of his favorite dances-namely our "Stomp" number.

My Dad even went so far as to dance with me in the kitchen.  Crazy hilarious dance moves.  Which, of course, we brought to the dance floor at my brother's wedding reception.  I don't think anyone was having as much fun as we were.

My Dad taught me to trust in my abilities.  He was the best person to learn how to drive from, because he just sat back and said "I trust you," and the next thing I knew, I ended up with a license.

My Dad relayed the importance of building people up.  As a coach, he was a perpetually positive and encouraging man.  And I LOVED it.  He always talks up my mom as his biggest cheerleader, and they're happily married now 31 years.  He also talks up my bro, sis-in-law, and me as well, and has done so for as long as I can remember.  He believes in us and he's proud of us.

My Dad showed me the importance of laughter.  Of not taking myself too seriously, of the beauty of a corny joke or rhyme (not to mention, Bill Cosby stand-up), the ability to laugh at one's self and the freedom to be wrong.

I've noticed in my life that the times I really regret are those days when I forgot to be myself.  When I forgot to be that girl or that woman that my Dad sees when he looks at me.  When I forgot to believe in myself, forgot to laugh at myself, and, sadly, those days I forgot to dance.  And instead, I replaced those important qualities with fear-a fear of failure, leading to perfectionism and procrastination, fear of losing control so I work even harder at keeping it (a vicious cycle), and the fear of being told I'm wrong.  And sadly, what I've found is when fear tells me what to do, pride is right behind it.  I cover up, so my pride can't be hurt.  I don't say I've done something wrong, because pride won't allow it.  I don't share my true heart, and allow others to do the same, because pride isn't vulnerable.  And, probably the worst effect, I think anything good that's coming into my life is of my own doing.

The beauty of a Dad is that he can be, in human form, a manifestation of who God is and how He sees us.  God sees us as his kids, not in a condescending way, but in a "I'm ridiculously in love with you, you're an extension of me, I can't wait to see what great things you do with this life" kind of way.  Also in a "I want you to walk with me, follow me, and get excited and get ready, because I'm going to take you on grand adventures and teach you loads of cool things that I know you'll love and we'll do them together" kind of way.

And so those days I forgot who my Dad said and thought I was, I more importantly, forgot who God said and thought I was.

This is where I've found myself recently.  At a place where people-pleasing, perfectionism, and pride-this disgustingly self-absorbed trifecta-rules my thoughts, actions, and personality.

But God, just like my Dad, is faithful to his kids.  No matter how long I've gone without calling or listening to him or how off course I've gotten, when I call He's super stoked and probably has a good story for me, or something cool He wants to show me (I mean, I live in Colorado...everything seems to shout:  "Brittni!!!  Look at this AMAZINGLY beautiful world I made!!  And YOU get to live in it!  Drink deep droughts of my love.  Enjoy.  Laugh.  Live.  Grow.  Become.  Be strong and courageous.  And let My perfect love cast out all of your fears".

And so today, I once again remember my Dad.  I pray for many, many more years of making memories with him here on this earth.  I pray for many, many more kids to have the kind of dad I did, and if it's not their biological dad, that another amazing man will fill that spot for them.  I pray that everyone will get to know God as a Dad-and that it will bring fond, good feelings, as they find out just how deep, wide,

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Love

Love.

Powerful, humbling, sacrificial, gracious, accepting, forgiving, enlightening, moving.
All-knowing, yet unstoppable
All-seeing, yet unshakable

Inviting, cherishing
Promising and never-leaving

Comforting
A place of rest, a place called
Home

"Come and be.  Come and be and be with me." 

     It calls us.  It moves us forward.

"Be all you are and yet never be the same."

Because you cannot leave unchanged.
Because love, by it's very nature, calls forth that which we thought was never inside us,
      and yet, somehow, was there all along.
We just didn't know.
But love knew.  Love saw.  Love beckoned.  Love comforted.  Love forgave.  And love changed-even the worst parts. 
And we are never the same.
Never the same.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Grace.

The ultimate conundrum in heaviness and lightness, weighty strength and light-as-a-feather freedom.

The word with a bad rap, given by those who haven't allowed themselves to drink deeply of all it offers.

The word, not just a word, but an action so daring, so cunning, so subversive it can break chains and loose bonds, and free the captives with one fell swoop.

It is the ultimate sword, severing hatred, unforgiveness of self and others, lies, jealousy, doubt, cowardice, and fear.

To some it may seem weak, like a doormat or a passive way to deal with things.

But it's reality is life-changing and life-giving. 

For where fear resides, all other evils rage.

But grace, sweet grace, carves the rock so the streams of love can come rushing in.

And love, perfect love, casts out all fear.

And the reigning power of grace, once again, is made manifest.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I just read another great post from a childhood friend, who is currently a mother of a toddler, a successful entrepreneur, and an extremely creative individual.  She wrote about motherhood, and the guilt that moms place on themselves or onto each other that they are not enough, or that it is not okay to be happy with themselves or doing things for themselves.

I had a conversation the other day with two of my cousins' wives who are both moms-one stays at home and the other works.  Both are very successful at what they do, but both have felt pressure early on to conform to the opposite ideal.  Fortunately, these are both strong women, and they recognize where their strength lie, and they realize they have made the correct choice for each of them.  They shared quality advice, saying there will always be someone who disagrees with or passes judgement on you, but ultimately you must do what suits your personality and is best for your family.  If mom is at home and has untapped skill that she WANTS to use, how good can it be for the kiddos who are home with her?  She may feel stuck and not fully present with her kids.  And what of the career woman who longs to be home?  She may feel she is not able to do what she wants at home, and thus her job performance may come up short.

I have several absolutely stunning girlfriends whom I've been blessed to share life with.  Unfortunately, a lot of them have struggled with recognizing their own beauty.  When complimented, they defer compliments, either thinking they are not truly worthy of those words, or recognizing the woman culture we're in does not understand women owning those compliments and simply saying thank you for them.

Self-deprecation, as my first friend mentioned, is not helping anybody.  The value comes when compliments are shared (especially between women!) and then accepted wholeheartedly as truth to the hearer.

All of these instances remind me that women have a very real enemy who wants to put them down.  Lucifer, as the most beautiful angel, thought he could be God and thus was confined to a life where he was no longer allowed in the heavenly realms.  He seems, then, to have it out for women, who were each created with a stunning, captivating, powerful beauty to bring to the world.  And he has no desire for that true beauty to come forth, and thus diverts it any way he can:  through shame, guilt, self-doubt, unrealistic desires for bodies that aren't always beautiful, feeling not enough and at the same time too much, and worse yet, being judged and judging other women.

I'm convinced, besides God's revitalizing strength and new perspective He gives to us, we will not defeat this enemy as fully or as often if we do not band together as sisters; women who take up each others' cause as our own, fighting for each other daily.  We must risk opening our hearts to those we have previously compared ourselves with, we must rejoice when other women are ecstatic and we must weep when their hearts are broken.  We must vow to spend time together-whether it be working, child play dates, Bible or book studies, drinks, wine nights, playing tennis, painting, making good food, etc.  We must recognize our need for each other and we must call out the lies of the enemy as we take note of them:  in ourselves and in other women.  We must support, we must encourage, we must compliment strengths and complement weaknesses.  We must commit to truly seeing each other and calling forth the greatness we find in the women surrounding us.  And we must always, always be thankful for the women in our lives:  moms, grandmas, aunts, sisters, sister-in-laws, old and new friends, acquaintances, coworkers, colleagues, etc.  It is in the gratitude for what these women bring to our lives that we cast out jealousy and comparison-and recognize it for what it is-a straight up lie.  And then, we can see more clearly what we truly bring to the table, and lift other women up to do the same.


Friday, February 1, 2013

Learning Again

i am learning again

learning just how important my heart is, how necessary every woman's heart is

we each have a force of beauty (yes, beauty is powerful) and we each have reasons we try to hide that beauty

mine happens to be fear of rejection

many times we can arrive at situations, heart full, open, and ready to share and receive love-and be denied.  or worse, taken advantage of.

this causes recoil, a sort of commitment to "never go there again," or "i won't let that happen to me again".  however, without opening the heart to possibly receive or possibly be rejected, we cannot open the heart to give.  or to the good that maybe, just maybe, can find it's way in.

it was recently that i realized i was doing this.  it hadn't happened in a long time, so it took awhile to recognize this self-protecting spirit i was living out of.  placed up against the life of a good man who cares greatly for me, i realized if i continued to live this way, i can't give the love i want to give to him, i can't trust he will be there for me when others haven't, and i can't receive the selfless love he continually offers.

not cool.

additionally, my actions only reflected a mistrust of God's heart for me.  he gave me desires for companionship and for a partner to share an adventurous life with, as well as a hope that our love could reach others...show others his heart for us.  these are good things.

and so, i am reminded to guard my heart, the wellspring of life, in the sense that i must feed it good food-that of God's truth-his great, fatherly love toward me, his daughter.  that of the good gifts he continuously gives me, including this man i'm getting to share life with.  that of God showing up in this man and the way he treats me.  that of our care for each other working as the translation of God's love to the world.

and in addition to feeding my heart with truths, i must let it be open.  open to God first and all of the good gifts he wants to give, then open to this man and all of the great things we can share with each other.

and then, i remember my strength.  strength is actually found in a heart wide open, first to the Daddy who loves me, and secondly to those around me.

the strength found in the openness allows me to recognize fear for what it is...and to combat it in any way possible.  for "perfect love casts out all fear," and we are made perfect by love, as we let it replace fear in our lives.

and finally, the strength that comes from openness and trust reminds me that i am not the only one fighting a battle.  i am reminded of my sisters who are hurt by their own attacks-whether it be fear or something else.  i am reminded to not "give way to fear" not only for myself and my relationships, but also to fight for my sisters.  if my heart is not open, what of all the incredibly beautiful women around me who need a friend, a confidant, a prayer warrior?  i must remain open to fight for and with them.  and what of the man in my life?  i need him to fight for me, just as he needs me to fight for him.  we women are warrior princesses for the kingdom, known as an ezer kenegdo, just as God is a necessary warrior on behalf of our good, we are necessary to those around us to bring about good in their lives.

cheers to the lessons, even as repeats!  i believe they can mean even more the second time around.  cheers to remaining open, fed, and gloriously loved by a Father who cherishes us dearly and equips us to battle the evil and reclaim the good.